Parenting is Shaping

How many times have you asked your child, “What are you doing?”

How many times have you asked yourself, “What am I doing?”

If I’m honest, my answer is often, “I am providing.” I go to work to provide financially. I take my family to church to provide spiritually. I help with homework and take an interest in school to provide educationally. These are good, but are insufficient.

Parenting is more than providing. Parenting is shaping.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).

It is not to provide for them so that they don’t starve or so that they score high enough on the SAT exam. Fathers, shape your children. Mold your children. Don’t beat them down. Don’t wear them out. Bring them up. Bring them up according to the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Our great God wants you to shape your child’s thinking, believing, and doing.

Let’s get practical and define the next step or two.

1. What or who is shaping your child? Consider Romans 12:1-2 and the everyday active shaping power of the world. Identify who or what has influence.
2. If you did one thing to help your child follow Jesus, what would it be?

Parenting and Obedience

Every parent has expectations for his/her child. Every parent defines obedience and disobedience somewhat differently (what matters to me as a parent may not matter to you and vice versa). What I view as funny, you may see as disrespectful. What you overlook as normal childishness, I may see as disobedience which demands correction. Thinking through these issues from the perspective of discipleship can be helpful. Consider this quote from Andreas Kostenberger:

Parents who neglect to hold their children accountable for rendering obedience fail them in that they do not help them along the path of Christian discipleship, of which obedience is a central component. Hence the primary importance of obedience is not for parents to receive their children’s obedience, but for parents to help children to learn to exercise obedience ultimately in their relationship with God. The fact that proper obedience is possible, for children as well as for adults, ultimately only as a result of a faith commitment in Jesus Christ and in the power of the Holy Spirit, suggests that introducing the child to a personal relationship with God in Christ ought to be a burning fire in the heart of every Christian parent (primarily because of their concern for their child’s  salvation). Nevertheless, obedience should be demanded and obedience punished, even in non-Christian (not-yet) children.

Andreas Kostenberger, God, Marriage, and Family, page 106

The Good Gift of Sex

I’m publishing my upcoming sermon here so parents can read it for themselves and decide if it is appropriate for their children.

Text: 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8                                                   9/11/2016

Main Point: Sex and sexuality are not ultimate; God is ultimate

In 1991 Salt-n-Pepa sang the introduction to this sermon.

Let’s talk about sex for now
To the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don’t decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
‘Cause that ain’t gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let’s tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course, how it should be
Those who think it’s dirty have a choice
Pick up the needle, press pause, or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Pep? I doubt it
All right then, come on, Spin

Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about sex

Now, Salt-N-Pepa are not inviting us into a conversation about God’s design for sex or sexuality. Salt-N-Pepa want us to embrace the world’s view of sex. Somethings have changed drastically since 1991 but one thing hasn’t changed. God has a good design for sex. Without being childish or prudish we need to navigate the rough personal and cultural waters of sexuality.

Let’s begin with truth that will help us find and keep the right perspective, Philippians 3:1-11

I. Sex and sexuality are not ultimate: God is ultimate

The Apostle Paul is here encouraging us to affirm and then begin to live in pursuit of the supremacy of Jesus Christ. Jesus is better than your nationality. Jesus is better than your spirituality. Jesus is better than your reputation. Jesus is better than anything you could do or gain in this world.

• Sex is rubbish compared to Christ (Phil 3:1-8; 1 Cor 7:1)

There does not appear to be any good reason to think the Apostle Paul disagrees with the Corinthian’s statement in 1 Corinthians 7:1, “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’” 1 Corinthians 7 makes the case that it is good to be single. It is good to be single and therefore it is good to not have sex.

Look at 1 Corinthians 7:6-9 (read it). Paul is single and expresses his desire for everyone to be single. Paul is not affirming a Corinthian hook up culture. He is affirming the goodness of the single life but he also realizes the celibate life is not for everyone. Marriage is for some people and singleness is for some people. Remember, being single is good. Look over at 1 Corinthians 7:32-35.

The goodness of the single life is the ability to be devoted solely to the Lord. The goodness of the single life is to be more available to pursue and know the all surpassing greatness of Jesus Christ. With the Apostle’s call to be single, his deliberate choice to not marry, let’s turn back over to Philippians 3:7-8 (read it).

The Apostle Paul had the right to take a wife (1 Cor 9:5) but he intentionally gave up that right in order that he might be fully devoted to the pursuit of the glory of God in Jesus Christ. Paul did not need a woman in order to be a man. He didn’t need someone to complete him. He found Christ to be more than enough. In fact, foregoing a wife, children, and sex was counted as rubbish compared to the greatness of Jesus Christ. You do not need a spouse in order to be complete or happy or fully human. You need Jesus Christ. In the pursuit of Christ it is crucial to be on guard.

• Beware of the enslaving power of your appetites (Phil 3:17-21; 2 Tim 3:1-5)

We were in Philippians 3:8. Now look across the page to Philippians 3:17-21 (read it).

Their god is their belly. They are ruled by their appetites. Think about it this way, what do you have to have in order to be safe and happy? For some it is new clothes. Others need to make a big sell in order to feel happy. Some need another round, another hit, or another pill. Still others need sweets, the prospect of a vacation, or their family in order to feel content and secure. Now, it should be no surprise to hear that some people need sex or pornography in order to feel safe and happy. What do you want? What is your god?

So how do you know if something good like rich food, family, or sex is starting to take over and enslave you? If you have to have it to be happy, or, if you are only happy when you have it, then you are most likely enslaved. If you can’t sleep without that person or that thing then you are most likely enslaved. If you can’t thank God for it, or if you have stopped thanking God for it, then you might be enslaved.

Married and single alike, will face times of sexual temptation. Alongside a deepening joy in Jesus Christ, what can we do?

II. We need to understand God’s good purposes for making us sexual persons

• Sex is for procreation (Gen 1:27-28)

Adam and Eve were created naked and not ashamed (Gen 2:25). Look at Genesis 1:27-28 (read it)

After blessing them, the first command God gives them is to make babies; be fruitful and multiply. God made us male and female in order that a husband and wife would have children. Outside of the clear biblical prohibitions of homosexuality (1 Cor 6:9-10), there is also the common sense understanding that homosexuality is unnatural because it cannot produce children. It is good for husbands and wives to multiply. Therefore, deliberate childlessness and homosexuality are wrong. Sex is for procreation and

• Sex is for unity (Gen 2:23-25; 1 Cor 6:16-18)

Look over at Genesis 2:23-25 (read it).

A man shall leave his father and his mother and unite himself to his wife. The husband and wife become a new family. There is a level of intimacy shared between a husband and wife which has no competitors. It is a sign of the fall that dogs have become man’s best friend. A man’s best friend is his wife, or at least should be and their union is typified mainly when the two become one flesh. A lack of unity, bitterness and resentment, will hinder a husband and wife coming together. Sex is for procreation, unity, and

• Sex is for shared joy

Let’s go back to 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (read it).

With the ideas that the wife’s body belongs to the husband and the husband’s body belongs to his wife, let’s read Philippians 2:1-7. Husband, demand nothing from your wife that is selfish or conceited. Care for her. Wife, withhold nothing from your husband as an act of rivalry. Care for him. Husband and wife come together to serve one another. Count the other more significant than yourself. Find ways to care for one another and enter into one another’s joy. Pursue unity, through forgiveness and trust. This unity will help fuel your shared joy. Sex is for procreation, unity, shared joy, and

• Sex is a God-given gift to be richly enjoyed (1 Tim 4:1-5; Song of Solomon)

Turn in your bibles to 1 Timothy 4:1-5 (read it). Some people were forbidding marriage and some foods. God created these things to be received with thanksgiving. These things are good. Sex is a great blessing given by God. It is good to be married and to have sex.

The Song of Solomon is an entire book of the bible written as a celebration of the union of husband and wife. The book is filled with mutual affirmation as they encourage one another. The book is filled with mutual carefulness for one another. The Song of Solomon is a biblical celebration of the goodness of sexuality. Sex is good and marriage is good

• Pursue the good gained from marriage (1 Cor 7:2; 5)

There are seasons when husbands and wives should devote themselves to the Lord with an undivided devotion. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:5. There can be short seasons when husbands and wives agree to abstinence in order to devote that relationship energy and investment into spiritual pursuits. These seasons of deprivation need to be agreed upon, few, and far between. Because marriage is a God-given means of fighting against immorality. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:2, “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman should have her own husband.”

Men will be tempted with sexual immorality. Women will be tempted with sexual immorality. Get married, love one another, serve one another, and care for one another. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, “To the unmarried and the widow I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. One reason marriage is good is because it is a God-given means of fighting against sexual immorality.

Another reason marriage is good is security. Marriage provides the relational security for the powerful intimacy of sex. Marriage provides the long term commitment to know one another and forgive one another and reconcile with one another.

Sex is powerful; use it carefully. In 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 the Apostle Paul warns against sexual immorality. God tells us in 1 Corinthians 6:18 to flee from sexual immorality because every other sin a person commits is outside this body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. The physical, emotional, and spiritual union which occurs in the act of sex is safe only in marriage. That union is safe only in marriage.

Sex is like atom smashing. In an atom smasher two particles spin rapidly and then collide creating a phenomenal amount of energy. You don’t want scientists to be smashing atoms anywhere they want with whomever they want. The energy of atom smashing requires a safe place. The intimacy and union of sex is a good and wonderful thing which requires the safety of marriage.

Hebrews 13:4 tells us, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterer.” Value marriage. Marriage is good and beautiful in its own right. And in marriage be sure to keep the marriage bed pure. As Christ is pure to his church, so husbands be pure to your wife. As the church is pure to Christ, wives be pure to your husband.

III. How to pursue holiness

• Sex is ruined by shame; pursue holiness in your marriage

Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed. Then they sinned against God, introduced selfishness, and suddenly wanted to hide from God and hide their nakedness from one another. It’s not that Adam and Eve became ugly in the fall. It makes more sense that Adam and Eve became shameful and untrusting in the fall. Adam and Eve hid from God because their sin made a separation between themselves and God. Adam and Eve covered their nakedness from one another because their sin made a separation between husband and wife. Where there is unrepented sin there can be no trusting unity. If your wife doesn’t trust you, don’t expect her to unite with you. If you have sin in your life and feel shameful about that sin it is hard to give yourself to your spouse. Pursue personal holiness in your marriage. Repent and believe the gospel in your marriage. Reconciliation with God and one another will remove the shame, increase the trust, and invite intimacy. Do you want to have a God-honoring sexuality? Repent and believe the gospel. Here is a practical strategy for holiness.

• ANTHEM[1]

ANTHEM is an acronym from John Piper to help men and women fight for sexual purity. The link is at the bottom of your notes as well as on the church facebook page. We don’t have time to unpack the details. I want to introduce you to the strategy of A- avoid. Flee those situations and avoid those situations like TV shows, books, and solitary time. A- Avoid. N- say no. Tell yourself no. You have 5 seconds before that temptation lodges itself in your mind. A- Avoid. N- say No. T- turn. Turn your mind to that which is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. Avoid, say no, turn, and H- hold. Hold onto that which is good. Do not let go. Set your eyes on heavenly things and keep them there. Endure as long as it takes. Avoid, say no, turn, hold, and E- enjoy. Turn from sin and hold onto to the good until you gain the all surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus your Lord. Be unashamed of your pursuit of joy in Christ. And M-move. Do not let yourself get idle. Immorality thrives in idle times. Check it out yourself it is good and helpful. Finally,

• Advice for parents
  1. Invite questions and carefully answer questions

Spend time together talking.

I love the question, where did I come from? When asked, one mom thought it was time for the talk but the child was asking about the previous town they lived in. Be sure you are answering the question actually being asked.

Regularly ask your child if there is anything he/she wants to talk about. When it turns to sexual matters, use terms like loving, touching, and acting like husband and wife. Adultery is when a husband lives with another woman and treats her like his wife when they aren’t married. Fornication is when two people who aren’t married come together and act like they are married. Pornography is when a person looks at another person and dreams about being married when they aren’t.

As your child matures then explain your answers appropriately. The most important thing here is to be with your child talking about things that matter. If you build a relationship where you can talk about mattering things like fear, death, God, and joy then it will be more natural to talk about sexual things.

Here is the last piece of advice

2. Celebrate the development of your child

Celebrate milestones in your child’s life. As a church, we celebrate the milestones of birth, graduating out of the nursery, graduating out of children’s worship time, and baptism. Parent, you can make a big deal out of turning ten and turning sixteen. Give them a biblical Christ-centered understanding of their bodies, sexuality, and being responsible. Dads, take your sons for a day away and talk appropriately about why bodies develop. Mom, you can do the same with your daughters. There are all kinds of helps out there for having these types of talks and setting up milestone ceremonies. Take advantage of each new stage to celebrate and teach your child.

Parents and church, we need to, we must, teach and model the good and godly way. Let us work and forgive and love so that each of us knows how to enjoy God and enjoy others for the glory of God and the good of others.

[1] http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/anthem-strategies-for-fighting-lust

Parenting and Gender

Text: Various                                                              9/4/2016

Main Point: The LORD is our salvation and God.

I. Parents, worship and follow God, lead your children

Delighting yourself in God is the best thing for your own life, as well as the best thing for your marriage and family.

• Your priorities are God first, marriage, and then family

Your relationship with God is foundational and will outlast your marriage. Your love for, and devotion to God, gives purpose and strength for your relationships with others. If you are happy in God, you can be happy in any situation. Hebrews 10:34 is a powerful invitation for you and I to set our affections on God. Turn over to Hebrews 10:34 and look at how these regular ole men and women responded to having their houses and things confiscated.

“For you had compassion on those in prison, and you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one” (Heb 10:34).

What type of person joyfully accepts the plundering of his property? Those who joyfully accept the plundering of their property are those people who are right now satisfied with the prospect of eternal life with God. The experience of joy in the presence of God now, alongside the hope of the fullness of joy in the future, cause these regular ole pew sitting Christians to joyfully accept the plundering of their property.

How did they get there? How do we get there? Look back at Hebrews 10:19-25 (read it).

God wants to meet with you and fill you with joy. How do we meet with him? By believing he exists and rewards those who seek him (Heb 11:6). We meet with God through the forgiving and purifying work of Jesus Christ. We meet with him knowing that in difficulty, God is faithful. We meet with him because we have brothers and sisters encouraging us to keep going after God.

Listen, your spouse and children and job and hobby are an insufficient fuel for your soul. Christ alone can strengthen and satisfy you for life and marriage. Seek to work John 15:5 deep into every aspect of life. In John 15:5, Jesus says, “apart from [him] we can do nothing.” Apart from Christ, our bread and drink, we cannot live lives of joyful self-sacrifice for the glory of God and the good of others. Without Christ, the requirements of God, marriage and family will destroy you. With Christ, the burdens become light (Mt 10:28).

Your relationship with God will outlast your spouse and your relationship with your spouse will outlast your children. Be sure your love and devotion to your child never replaces your second love, love for your spouse. Our goal as parents is to launch our children out into the world. We want to help our children find their place in God’s work of redemption throughout this big world. For some children this plan will involve marriage. For other children this plan will involve singleness. Either way, we want our children to be healthy productive contributing adults. If you are the vine and your adult child is the branches then you have a problem. Also, if your child is the vine and you are the branches then you have a problem.

• Beware of the idol of children

Your child was not made for you; to satisfy you, to be your identity, or to be your life. You will crush your child if you try to make him that powerful. Your child can not be your God or be your friend like your spouse. Our goal is to get our children to God, not get our children to like us. Plus, as a parent you will have to do and say unpopular things for the good of that child. If your happiness and self-worth are dependent upon the loving affirmation of that child, then you will not be able to do and say those hard and helpful things. God created the parent role with discipline and admonition built in. Satisfied with God, happy in God, you will be able to lovingly, patiently, and graciously point your child to Christ.

The gospel must reshape our parenting. We are loved, liked, affirmed, and celebrated by God in Christ. Christ is the vine that feeds us. Satisfied and safe in Christ, we are equipped to correct and train up our children with love, patience, and great compassion.

The gospel must reshape our discipline and devotion. Read your bible every day asking God to show you why you should depend on Christ. Memorize and meditate every day on Scripture that prove the sufficiency of Christ. Remember, how do people change? If you see that your priorities are out of whack, how do you change? Change starts with our thinking. You will learn how to trust Christ in your everyday situations when you first know why Jesus is trustworthy. Parents, worship and follow Jesus Christ. Then, out of the fullness of God, lead your children. Let’s get very practical now

II. Parents, strive to be helpful in everything you do (Col 3:20)

Turn over to Colossians 3:20, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”

Now parents, if children are expected to obey in everything, don’t you think it’s fair for us to be helpful in everything? We must strive to give them only things that are helpful and worth obeying. Mom and dad, how often do you exploit the willingness of your child? How often do we demand or command the unnecessary? Is everything you expect of your child helpful?

I want to give you a profound question which will radically change the way you parent. This single question will shake the very foundation of your decision making and school choices and extracurricular activities. Parents, are you ready to write this down? Grandparents, are you ready to share this profound wisdom with your adult children? Singles and empty-nesters, are you ready to encourage the families in this church? Here is the question to ask concerning any issue with your child: Is this helpful? Ask, is this helpful? And then force yourself to clearly define how this thing is helpful. The more helpful something is the more it should be prioritized and protected. Here is why we should constantly ask, “Is this helpful?”

• The duty of a parent is to always do good (Gal 6:10)

Turn back to Galatians 6:10, “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

Another way of asking, “Is this helpful?” is to ask, “Is this good?”.  Is my doing this, a doing good to my child? Striving to be satisfied with God, building a strong marriage, we ask “how can I do good to my child?” Part of the answer is to spend time alone with God in refueling prayer. Part of the answer is to spend time alone with your spouse to strengthen that relationship and come up with a united parenting plan of attack. Part of the answer is to give yourself to your child. Fueled by Christ and united to your spouse, give yourself to your child. Turn off your cell phone and learn what makes your child tick. What does your child enjoy? What is your child afraid of? Knowing the personality of your child, what should you be praying happens in his/her life? Go for a walk and hold hands. Play a video game. Together, go help a neighbor in need. Together, go do something kind to someone who is not in need. Do homework with your child by asking your child to teach you what she is learning. Regularly eat dinner without any technology. Play a board game or go fishing

One of the best ways to do your child good is by regularly engaging in family worship. Family worship is simple but so difficult: read, sing, pray. Work on and talk about our fighter verse during the meal. Do a short bible reading from our daily bible reading plan. Use youtube to sing one of the songs from that week’s worship gathering. Then pray for one another. Read, sing, pray and do your child good. But there is a problem in all this

• Remind yourself constantly that the fall happened (2 Tim 3:16-17)

The fact that sin has warped every part of who I am means I am incompetent. Parents, we are incompetent. We need to be made competent by the Gospel and the Word (John 15:5). Some days I am going to resent the family dinner and despise family worship. Because of the fact that I still struggle with sin, I’m going to struggle to be a joyful parent. I often desire the wrong things. Give yourself the same grace you give others who struggle. Since the fall happened, you are going to be a bad parent. Repent of your sins, trust in Jesus, go ask for forgiveness, and keep leading your child.

I’ve given you 2 Timothy 3:16-17 in the notes. Let’s look there for some good parenting advice. Because of the fall

1. Parents, use the Word to teach

Because of the fall, your child does not know God. Use the Word to teach. The reason we read the bible, sing, and pray is so that our children will know God like we do. But we don’t just introduce them to concepts on a page. No, more than that we want to show them how these truths on these pages cause us to keep reading, keep singing, and keep praying. In careful and appropriate ways, show them your struggles. That means when you come across something difficult in the bible don’t pretend it’s easy. When it’s your time to pray, ask God to help you with what he has commanded. Use the word to teach your child to know God.

2. Parents, use the Word for reproof.

A reproof is a statement that something is wrong. The flashing lights of a police car, a referee’s yellow flag, these are reproofs. Because of the fall, your child is going to do the wrong thing. The fall, your rebellion from God, is the reason you do wrong things. We need to be restored to God and kept from danger. We need the Word to reprove us. How then, do we use the word to reprove our children? Well I’ve found it really helpful to be hypocritical, condescending, and mean. My children love it when I yell at them in Jesus’ name with chapter and verse. No, they hate it. It’s no good.

Parents, if you only or mostly use the Word when your child has done something wrong or something you don’t like, then you are misusing your authority and God’s Word. God has not given us his Word so that we can avoid bad stuff. God has given us his Word so that we can know and enjoy him. Knowing him we know what to avoid. Knowing him we know what is good. Think back over the last week with your child. What is the ratio of using Scripture to warn your child and using Scripture to encourage your child? How much Scripture pointed away from sin and how much Scripture pointed to God? How much law did you give and how much gospel did you give? We must reprove ourselves and our children but always in connection with a desire to gain more of God. Use the word for reproof and

3. Parents, use the Word for correction.

Correction builds on reproof. Reproving is telling them what is wrong while correction is teaching them how to correct what is wrong. Be on guard against pointing out the wrong without giving patient instruction regarding how to do it properly. Yes, you should not let your child speak to you, an adult, a sibling, or another human that way. Reprove that comment. But then correct it. What is the gracious way to disagree or express disappointment or argue for your way? The fall happened. Correct your child and

4. Parents, use the Word for training in righteousness (Eph 6:4)

Ephesians 6:4 tells us, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Dads, one of the best ways to raise an angry resentful child is to leave him to figure it out on his own. Another way to raise an angry resentful child is to bully him into doing what you want him to do. But if you want to lead your child to happiness, if you want to strengthen your relationship with your child, then give him discipline and instruction. Train him. Dads, you can’t be a personal trainer who does all the work for your child and you must not be that obese coach who runs his players while eating a snickers bar. Find ways, according to the needs and personality of your child, to get into life for teaching and training. And remember, your child is not like you. Part of loving your child is learning to like what he/she likes.

Train your child to love God, to pray, to forgive, to take responsibility. Teach your child how to believe the gospel. Instruct your son how to treat a woman. Help your daughter know how to love a man. This leads us to where we left off last week. Because the fall has effected gender, you need to teach your biological male how to be a man and you need to teach your biological female how to be a woman.

III. The gospel and parenting boys and girls

Kevin Deyoung, a pastor in Michigan, puts the gender issue in stark terms for parents, “Few issues are more important and more essential than helping one’s child navigate puberty and come to a healthy sense of sexual boundaries and sexual identity.”[1]

• You should assume nothing

Parents, do not assume your child knows how to stand firm in the gospel just because your child is hearing the gospel in Sunday School, AWANA, and this worship gathering.

Parents, do not assume just because the biology is there that the right understanding of gender will be there. It is your role as mom or dad to teach your child and instruct your child. The fall has misshapen your child’s understanding of gender and sexuality. God has given you the role of teaching what is true and good. This means you must teach your biological male to be a man and you must teach your biological female how to be a woman.

• Teach and model biblical manhood and womanhood

Here is a definition of manhood which fits the boy who loves to wrestle and hunt as well as the boy who loves to sew and cook. Real men, being purified by Christ, reject passivity, lead courageously, love sacrificially, and seek a heavenly reward.[2] Start there with your boys. What about girls?

Here is a definition of womanhood which fits the girl who loves to sparkle as well as the girl who loves to hunt and play sports. Real women, being purified by Christ, reject fearfulness (1 Peter 3:6), respect godliness (Eph 5:33), and seek what is virtuous (1 Tim 2:9-15).

Older men must model manhood and dads you need to intentionally build relationships with other model men. Older women must model womanhood and moms you need to intentionally build relationships with other model women. Model biblical gender and encourage biblical gender.

Parents, regularly tell your child, “I am glad God gave you to me.” Matt Chandler, a pastor in Dallas, encourages us to look at our daughters and tell them, “I’m glad God made you a girl and you do the girl thing really well.” Look your sons in the eye and tell them, “I’m glad God made you a boy and you do the boy thing really well.” Step it up with age. “I’m glad God made you a man and you do the man thing really well.” “I’m glad God made you a girl and you do the woman thing really well.” I’m not encouraging you to lie. I’m encouraging you to be involved in your children’s lives and where you see biblical manhood or womanhood, celebrate it.

Singles, couples without children, and empty nesters, the families of this church need your help. Where you see the boys and girls, the youth, of this church exhibiting biblical manhood and womanhood celebrate it. And set the example. I want my daughters, I want your sons, to have a head full of everyday run of the mill wonderfully God-glorifying examples of manhood and womanhood. Singles, couples without children, and empty nesters, model biblical manhood and womanhood. The boys and girls of this church need you.

[1] https://blogs.thegospelcoalition.org/kevindeyoung/2016/04/08/safe-schools-gender-non-conformity-and-the-death-of-common-sense/ accessed 8/26/2016

[2] I added “love sacrificially” to Robert Lewis’s definition of manhood.

Life Group Questions 8/28/2016

1. What was God’s creation plan for gender?
2. How has the fallen misshapen gender physically, cognitively, and spiritually? How has the fall effected physical gender and how we think about gender?
3. What does it looks like to tell the truth in love while giving grace and patience for gospel change to take root and grow? Talk specifically about how you would interact with a person struggling with his/her gender identity.
4. Define biblical manhood.
5. Define biblical womanhood.
6. How do you need to help your children grow in their understanding of their own gender?
7. How can you help the children of your church grow in their understanding of their own gender?
8. How does the gospel of Jesus Christ transform your understanding of gender?

Resources for Parenting and Gender

Here are some helpful resources (in no particular order). My list is dated so I would appreciate your recommendations and comments.

1. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by Piper and Grudem; this is a resource from different authors. So, while it’s big, it can easily be read in pieces.
2. God, Marriage, and Family by Kostenberger
3. True Beauty by Carolyn Mahaney
4. Fatherhood: What It is and What It’s For by Tony Payne
5. Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis
6. The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
7. How to Talk Confidently With Your Child about Sex by Lenore Bush

At first, my next recommendation sounds strange. One of the most helpful ways to shape biblical manhood and womanhood is to pursue a deeper understanding of Christ and the church. Your practical everyday theology of Christ and your practical everyday theology of the church will have a dramatic influence on your understanding of manhood and womanhood. Start with Ephesians 5:22-35, and use the paradigm of Christ and the church to set your priorities for your sons and daughters.

Update: God Redeeming His Bride by Robert Cheong is a helpful resource for thinking through the gospel and redemption. I highly recommend it to you. Do not let the focus on church discipline scare you away. Instead, think about the daily work of kindly and clearly addressing sin in your own heart and in the hearts of your family members.

Take Up and Read- God Made All of Me

Parents and children’s workers, please read this book. Even if you choose not to immediately read it to your children it will provide you with a framework and vocabulary for the future. As parents we need to be teaching our children the whole counsel of God and this includes God’s intended purposes for sexuality. We treat our private parts with greater honor and greater modesty (1 Corinthians 12:23). But how does that work out practically and how do we teach our children to do the same? Does your child know how to respond to uncomfortable or unwanted touches? Yeah, take up and read. This book is helpful.

You can order a copy here or Mambrino will have several copies available on the book rack in a week.

Caring for Little Ones

When making disciples and bringing up children it is easy to become frustrated with their “infantile struggles.” Why can’t you just grow up!?! JC Ryle wrote concerning these little ones and young disciples. I found his insight helpful:

Let us settle in our minds, that grace must have a beginning in every believer’s heart, and that we have no right to say a man has not grace, because it does not come to full ripeness at once. We do not expect a child to do the work of a full-grown man, though he may one day, if he lives long enough. We must not expect a learner of Christianity to show the faith, and love, and knowledge of an old soldier of the cross. He may become by and bye a mighty champion of the truth. But at first we must give him time. There is great need of wisdom in dealing with young people about religion, and, generally speaking, with all young disciples. Kindness, and patience, and gentleness, are of the first importance. We must not try to pour in the new wine too quickly, or it will run over. We must take them by the hand and lead them on gently. We must beware of frightening, or hurrying them, or pressing them on too fast. If they have only got hold of the main principles of the Gosple, let us not set them down as godless, because of a few lesser matters. We must bear with much weakness and infirmity, and not expect to find old heads on young shoulders, or ripe experience in those who are only babes. There was deep wisdom in Jacob’s saying, “If men should over-drive them one day, all the flock will die” (Gen. xxxiii. 13).

From JC Ryle’s Expository Thoughts on the Gospels Vol 2. Page 156

A full table but it won’t be. Thoughts on being dad

My oldest has been interested in the empty chair at the dining room table ever since our third child was born. Our table seats six. There are five of us. Who’s going to sit in the empty chair? We’ve talked with her about being ready to serve a guest, anyone God might bring our way. Now that Ruth will be born in the next few weeks our table will be full.

We have a full table but it won’t be full for long.

My oldest is six. As the world turns we’re a third of the way through parenting her before she enters college. 18 years sounds like such a long time but it won’t be long before Ruth leaves home. Our table that seats six will be populated by two. All this misty eyed navel gazing brings me to some convictions.

First, God has blessed me with the gift of marriage. My wife is my responsibility for the rest of my life. I will see her everyday until death parts us. I will strive to create a faith-filled relationship where she and we can flourish.

Second, God has blessed me with four daughters. They are my responsibility until I give each of them away to a husband. If they never marry they will be my responsibility until my death. I will strive by God’s grace to be a dad that helps each girl in her own way to grow in godliness.

Each daughter is wonderfully different and it pains me to say that none of them have been born again. It pains me also to admit that I make little attempt outside of family devotions to point them to Christ. We talk about God’s work in history, the gospel, prayer, discipline, authority, and we pray. But this is insufficient. School work is good and necessary but we need to do life together.

What am I talking about? Take yesterday for example. I was praying while they were outside playing. I heard the door open and instead of jumping up quickly I remained. They found me and didn’t know what to do so I invited them in. They got on their knees beside me and prayed with me. Today as I was walking and praying Sarah caught me. She ran out in her dress and bright red cowboy boots and joined me. We walked and prayed together. Abby soon joined us. Hannah decided to stand in the parking lot and pout because she wasn’t first (she’s the most like me you know). I want yesterday to become the new normal.

After our worship gathering yesterday I reminded myself and the church that the hard road is the delightful road. Walking with Christ through all of life is difficult but I am so thankful for the joy He provides. Marriage, parenting, singleness, aging, relationships, and career are all difficult.

So my final conviction of the day is to fight to be with Christ in all of life and to help others do the same.

*This blog post was originally written in January 2013.

The Importance of the Family; Deuteronomy 6

Text: Deuteronomy 6                                                        8/3/08 a.m.

Thesis: Parents are called to love God and raise up godly children.

 

Intro: This morning we’re building on last’s week’s sermon on marriage. Today we’re going to learn about the importance of the family.

What I want to do is give some biblical guidance to those who yearn for the restoration of the family.

This is for moms and dads, grandmothers and grandfathers, uncles and aunts, empty nesters, and those who never had children.

We the church must stand together and strengthen the family.

 

Read Deuteronomy 6

I) This morning make multi-generational faithfulness your goal and the goal of your family

a)      Multi-generational faithfulness is the goal of God’s people

i)        In Deuteronomy 6:1-3 Moses is telling the people why they need to hear the commandments of God.

ii)      One reason, from verse one, is so that they would do what God commands.

iii)    You cannot do what is commanded if you do not know what is commanded. Since God expects his people to do what is commanded we need to constantly hear and be reminded of God’s expectations.

iv)    God expects us to hear and obey.

v)      Another reason Moses is sharing God’s commandments, verse 2, is so that there would be multi-generational faithfulness.

vi)    “that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son’s son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life.”

vii)  Deuteronomy 6:20-25 give a commentary on what it means to teach your son and your son’s sons to fear and obey God.

viii)            Teach them about the power of God. Teach them about the signs and wonders of God. Teach them both the great and the grievous.

ix)    King James says the great and the sore. New King James says the great and the severe. New American Standard says the great and distressing. NIV says the great and the terrible.

x)      Do not hold back teaching your children about the love of God and do not hold back teaching your children about the wrath or anger of God.

xi)    The key is to teach both and in equal quantities. Don’t overemphasize love to the exclusion of wrath and don’t overemphasize wrath to the exclusion of love.

xii)  Teach them that in the same act of God the Egyptians were punished but the Hebrews were blessed.

xiii)            Teach them that the work of God that brought death to the Egyptian people brought life to the Hebrew people.

xiv)            Teach them that God commands us to fear him for our good, to preserve us, and to provide righteousness for us if we hold fast to him.

xv)  There is so much to teach. We’ll get into that more in a moment. What I want you to catch is who you are supposed to teach.

xvi)            Teach your son and your son’s son.

xvii)          That means no one in the church is ever done with children’s ministry. Your role may change but the person who refuses to teach the next generation is the person who is living in disobedience to God.

xviii)        And this person who refuses to hear God’s command to invest in the next generation is a person who is actively tempting God to punish.

xix)            So what are we after at Mambrino Baptist Church? We are after multi-generational faithfulness.

xx)  Why are we after multi-generational faithfulness? Because God commands it for our good.

xxi)            When you look at your children and when you look at the children in this church do not see just them.

xxii)          See their children and their children’s children and make it your heart’s desire that they all walk with God.

xxiii)        Now I want us to look at

II) How to make multi-generational faithfulness our goal

a)      To be faithful you must pay attention to God

i)        Deuteronomy 6:4 is called “the Shema”. Shema is a transliteration of the Hebrew verb “to hear”.

ii)      It means to pay attention, “to listen closely for the purpose of obedience” (McIntosh, 85).

iii)    God’s people are about to run head-first into a culture hostile to their own.

iv)    The Canaanites would try to convince the Hebrew people that the Canaanite way of doing things was better than God’s way.

v)      The people had to listen to God. They had to listen carefully and listen with the goal of obeying.

vi)    Multi-generational faithfulness will not come by listening to God Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.

vii)  Multi-generational faithfulness will come by listening to God every day. And how does God speak to us?

viii)            God speaks to us through the bible. Are you paying attention to God? Do you hear him speak daily to you, your son, and your son’s son?

ix)    Do you and your family read the newspaper, check your emails, and watch Regis and Kelley and Sports Center or do you and your family hear God speak?

x)      To be a faithful people we must be a hearing people; a Shema people.

b)      To be faithful you must know God

i)        Verse 4, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.”

ii)      This God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God who has made himself perfectly known in the God-man Jesus Christ is the only God.

iii)    He alone is God. Money is not god.  Comfort or ease is not god.  The God who is three persons Father, Son, and Spirit is the only God.

iv)    And God is God in perfect unity. God is unique, there is no other, and God in himself lacks nothing.

v)      This is not a theological axiom to be tucked away in our nifty little bag of things that are true but not useful.

vi)    The oneness, the unique nature of God, and God’s sole claim to deity is meant to control our hearts’ affections and our minds’ thoughts.

vii)  This God who has made himself known in Christ is the only being worthy of all honor, glory, and power.

viii)            He only has preeminence over all things. Do you know this God? I’m not interested in if you have your facts straight.

ix)    I want to know if your facts are so straight that it has begun to set your heart straight.

x)      To be faithful you need to pay attention to God, know God, and

c)      To be faithful you must love God

i)        Verse 5, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

ii)      In case you think this sermon is an attempt to bring us back under Old Testament law let me remind you that Jesus said the greatest commandment is “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength” (Matt 22:30, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27).

iii)    How do we obey the command to love?

iv)    Think about this, God did everything for the Hebrew people. God brought them out of Egypt and God promised to do everything for the Hebrews when they entered the Promised Land.

v)      God promised to do this because He loved them. In return they were to love Him.

vi)    All of our love is a response to God’s love. We love Him because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).

vii)  This string of words heart, soul, mind, and strength is meant to encompass all that you are.

viii)            Love for God is not just emotional. Love for God is not just a matter of your desires. Love for God is not just intellectual. Love for God is not just a decision of the will.

ix)    Love for God is a matter of the heart’s emotions, the soul’s desires, the mind’s intellect, and the potency of the will.

x)      Do we love God to earn his love? Do we love God to earn his blessing or reward? Never

xi)    We love God will all our heart, soul, mind, and strength because God first loved us.

xii)  The bible is full of the truth of God’s love for us. John 3:16, “for God so loved the world.”

xiii)            Romans 5:8, “but God demonstrated his own love for us”

xiv)            1 John 4:10, “in this is love, not that that we loved God but that he loved us

xv)  Ephesians 2:4; 2 Thessalonians 2:16; 1 John 3:1; 4:9

xvi)            All of these passages emphasize the great love of God for us and all these passages emphasize God’s love in the context of God sending His Son to die for us to redeem us.

xvii)          God is worthy of all love because of who He is in and of himself. He is God, there is none like him, he alone is preeminent over all things.

xviii)        And God is worthy of all love because of what he has done for us by loving us, forgiving us, making us righteous, and reconciling us to Himself through Jesus.

xix)            Our love for God is always a response to God’s majesty and love for us.

d)     And our obedience is a product of heart change

i)        Deuteronomy 6:6 says, “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.”

ii)      God’s commandments were never meant to be left on stone tablets. God’s commandments were meant to be written on our hearts.

iii)    And God writing his commandments on the heart happens in the new covenant.

iv)    Hebrews 8:10, “For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.”

v)      Obedience is not a matter of the will. Obedience is a matter of the heart which guides and oftentimes overpowers the will.

vi)    It is out of love for God and his Truth that we parent our children, love our wives, and submit to our husbands.

vii)  Jesus said, “if you love me you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15)

viii)            So obedience is an expression of love. Submission is an expression of love. Dying for your wife is an expression of love. Parenting is an expression of love.

ix)    Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself.

x)      You might be thinking to yourself right now, “I thought this was going to be a sermon on parenting.”

xi)    I thought I was going to get a list of helpful tips to get my child to stop back talking, clean her room, make the grade, not get pregnant, and get a good job.

xii)  But that’s the world’s pattern. God’s pattern is that mom and dad first live as a flesh and blood illustration of the gospel.

xiii)            Dad’s like Christ. Mom’s like the church. So your kids need to look at you and see two people who love God and out of love for God obey God.

xiv)            Dad’s your kids need to see you show your wife grace like Christ showed grace to the church.

xv)  Mom’s your kids need to see you lovingly submit to your husband like the church submits to Jesus.

xvi)            To do this you’ve got to be centered on Christ and you’ve got to be full of grace.

xvii)          Salvation is a matter of grace through faith.

xviii)        Marriage is a matter of grace through faith.

xix)            Parenting is a matter of grace through faith.

xx)  Men, if you don’t understand God you will cause great grief in your marriage relationship.

xxi)            Fathers, if you don’t understand God you will cause great grief in your child’s life.

xxii)          Your children will begin to form a mental picture of what God is like by watching you long before they learn how to read the bible. Show God to them. Show them grace.

xxiii)        Multigenerational faithfulness is a product of grace.

xxiv)        Read Deuteronomy 6:7-9

III) When multi-generational faithfulness is your goal you will teach the next generation

a)      Who is the “them” that we must teach diligently?

i)        Verse 2, we must teach our sons and our son’s son.

ii)      You’re not done when your children leave home. They still need to be taught. I still need my father to teach me. I still need godly men in the church to teach me.

iii)    And this intensifies when the son has kids. Believe me the need to be taught by godly fathers grows when the son begins to have children of his own.

iv)    From the oldest member to the youngest child the question that needs to always be on our minds is this:

v)      What else can we do to train up the next generation to follow Christ?

vi)    We want kids to be seen and not heard. God expects us to teach kids and put them right in the thick of things.

vii)  If you want to live and finish life with faithfulness then invest yourself in others who are not your age.

b)      What does it mean to teach them diligently?

i)        This word ‘word’ teach is often used in reference to arrows or knives and in that context it means to sharpen.

ii)      And you sharpen a weapon so it can effectively do it’s job. You want and arrow to pierce and tear. You want a knife to cut swiftly and easily.

Psalm 127:3-5 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb are a reward. ⁴Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. ⁵Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

iii)    And God expects every warrior father to sharpen his children by constant training; diligent teaching.

iv)    The faithful husband does more than physically provide for his wife and kids.

v)      The husband must disciple his wife and the father must disciple his children.

vi)    And it’s not enough to work hard to pay someone else to train up your children.

vii)  God requires that moms and dads, but particularly dads, instruct their children daily and diligently.

viii)            Dad’s it is your calling to regularly lead your family in times of worship.  Dad’s it’s your calling to daily bring Scripture to bear on the lives of your children.

ix)    No child is an accident and no one is a Dad by accident. God has called us to a spiritual task and in Christ we will be given the grace and strength to complete the calling.

x)      We’ll talk more in the weeks ahead about what this practically looks like. What I want you to get today is the foundation in your life on which build a strategy to teach your children.

xi)    Here’s what must happen. We as parents must cultivate a heart of love and gratitude to God in ourselves and it will spill over into your conversation.

xii)  And we must be specific concerning what we want our children to know and we must be intentional to teach them.  Here’s where it starts.

xiii)            To teach them diligently is to use every opportunity to pass on your love for Christ to your children.

xiv)            Every conversation is an opportunity to move them closer to God or closer to the world.

xv)  Husbands and Dads, you’ve got to be reading Scripture with your wife and family.

xvi)            Don’t try to be pious with a seminary lecture. Start small. Read the daily bible reading, sing a hymn or chorus, and pray. Start there and see where God leads your conversations. Teach them diligently by talking to your children daily about God from His Word.

IV) I believe our greatest battle will be the battle to remember God

a)      After God promises his people all the good things in Deuteronomy 6:10 & 11 he says this

i)        Then take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery

ii)      When the battles stop and the bank account grows don’t forget God. When you’re jobless, under persecution for the faith, physically sick, or in need it is second nature to seek God and lead others to do the same.

iii)    But when you are at ease physically and financially the temptation is great to become at ease spiritually.

iv)    When husbands and dads abandon their responsibilities and enter seasons of ease it is second nature and devastating to forget God.

v)      We must fight like warrior fathers. Get into the battle for souls. Start caring for your wife, your kids, your grandkids, your church family, and your neighbors.

vi)    I guarantee it will test your metal and drive you to the throne of grace.

vii)  Get in the game. Go to spiritual war for the glory of Christ and the good of others.

viii)            Where does that battle begin? In your own heart and in your own home.

ix)    Lord willing in the weeks ahead we’ll work out some of the practical steps we take to teach our children and not forget God.

V) But this morning I want to close with this reminder

a)      Mom and Dad there is perfect grace in Jesus Christ to cover every sin you committed in relation to your children.

b)      Mom and Dad there is perfect strength in Jesus Christ to hold you up as you follow God and teach your children.

c)      Parents, God’s expectations are very high and His grace is more than sufficient for you.

d)     God loves you and it was God’s plan for you to be a parent.

e)      God knew what he was doing when he brought that child into your life. You’re here this morning as a testimony to God’s grace.

f)       Your son will be here tomorrow as a testimony to God’s grace. You’re son’s son will be here further still as a testimony to God’s grace.

g)      Now it’s time to go and do what God has called us to do. Respond to God’s love and teach them diligently.